I QUIT!!!

Now before everyone gets their panties in a wad, lemme explain…

I started taking a no smoking class here at my job. My quit date was November 17th and I am happy to say…I NEVER should have stopped!!! I’m KIDDING of course, but the last couple of days have REALLY tried my coping with the non smoking cravings.

I get told Tuesday by the after school program that my 10 yr old is in, that he went ballistic and started hitting himself in the stomach, clawing at his belly and hitting himself upside the head. Why? Because he’s a little chunkier than the rest of the kids and he hates being fat! He can’t run as fast as everyone else and he’s a fat looser!

I have NEVER told my child that! Kids are HORRIBLE people! They pick on other kids who they deem un-cool and don’t realize what they’re doing is hurtful! I try to reinforce positive things to my children, but nothing has worked. I’m seriously looking into getting my son help…he’s 10 yrs old and I’ll be DAMNED if he’s going to end up the next Ted Bundy or even Jeffery Dahmer…1 in 5 could possibly be a serial killer…if I’m not careful Middle Son will be the one I raise.

Girl Child is about to get on my LAST freaking NERVE!!! Today has been the day from HELL!!! I found out this morning that she didn’t get her H1N1 shot that they were giving away for FREE at her school. Why? SHE tells me her teacher took her name off the list because the teacher overheard Girl Child telling another girl about some chic dying from getting the shot and didn't know if she really wanted to get one.

I know that there is a LOT of controversy regarding this shot…I’m getting it for my children because Youngest Child has BAD respiratory problems when he gets sick (he had pneumonia when he was 18 mos. and his right lung almost collapsed) and I honestly don’t want my children dying before I can horrify them by embarrassing them in High School (I have high aspirations, huh).

Anyway, Girl Child and I had a HUGE blow up fight this morning. Resulting in my calling the school to talk to the principal and the teacher who took her off the list. I talked to the nurse and apparently Girl Child’s name wasn’t on the list to begin with…I did NOT need to hear that! The nurse heard me screaming at Girl Child. The nurse explains that for two days in a row she's gotten on the loud speaker and said “If anyone has NOT gotten the shot and you turned in the permission slip, please come to the Media Center"...TWO days in a row the ‘all call’ was put out...Girl Child didn’t go…why? She doesn’t know!

She’s making decisions that aren’t hers to make. I (THE MOTHER) made the decision to get my children a preventative shot and SHE decides because she doesn’t like needles that she’s not going to get it?!?! OH HELL NO!!! Now guess who has to get up on SATURDAY morning to spend ALL day at the Health Department...

She called me earlier today to come and get her from school. Her stomach hurts. I said No. Now, I feel like a freaking heel because I’m not the perfect mother who does everything right. I don’t want to have the kind of relationship with my daughter that I had with my mom. I don’t want my Oldest son growing up to be profiled by the FBI. I don’t want my Youngest son growing up thinking he can bully his way into getting what he wants…have I done something wrong as a parent?

My children haven’t even gotten to the horrible teenage years and I’m already a basket case…I guess I was one BEFORE I had kids…they just made it worse! UGH!!! If I had the means, I’d SO be buying BOXES of wine…maybe I’ll drown my sorrows this weekend. Hey, maybe Jose and Jack aren't busy...even if they are, I could always call the Captain...

My Weekend

Saturday morning, the birds are singing, the sun is shining and I'm CRAWLING out of bed...we went to the Fair the night before. The Midnight Madness, you pay $20 to get in and ride all you want from 10p-2a. My family L-O-V-E-S Family fun night at the fair...mom and dad? Yeah, not so much.

I have bruises and knots in places that I didn't know existed. I rode rides that I should've left to the teens, but when you have 4 children (we took Girl Child's Bestie) begging you to ride and a 40-yr old husband telling you that your chicken if you DON'T get on it, you HAVE to ride!

Our children rode more rides this year than ANY combined! The boys were tall enough to ride, so we rode almost EVERYTHING as a family. Hubby says the four bruises I have on my outer thigh look like fingers...trust me - NONE of the carnies had what it takes to touch me...much less bruise me! Yes, I AM shallow! I prefer my men to actually HAVE teeth!

We got home at 2:15AM. The children tumbled into their beds and fell FAST asleep...Hubs was snoring before the first child lay their head down...me? I was up until 3AM!!! Thankfully the next day was Saturday, my day off. My day to do NOTHING!!! I could sleep in!!!

9AM: Lisa woke me up by taking a picture of me sleeping...she then sent it off to my husband and her boyfriend...thanks, Lisa! We were enjoying a cup of coffee when we heard Destiny screaming...

A couple of weeks ago, the kids milked Bryon out of $40 at the flea market {way to go guys!!!}. He bought the boys toy guns, you know the kind that make LOTS of LOUD noise? Yeah, he got those...he hasn't quite figured out yet why all the kids noisy toys don't make noise (here's a hint: Mommy took the FREAKING BATTERIES OUT!!!).

So the boys were over in the neighbors yard (they've moved...I'm not THAT mean...) playing with their guns and Destiny is with them being their 'stuperfisor' when we hear her scream...

We look out the window and hear her say, "I'm tellin and you can't stop me!" Lisa asks out the window, "Destiny, what's wrong?"

"Well, John said I couldn't tell and I told him Yeth I could! So I came over here to tell on him becauthe I could!"
"What are you telling on him for, Destiny?"
"Uh, well. Um...I don't know!!!"

******************************************************************************************************************

Last night I put a load of laundry in the washing machine. I text Girl Child and ask her if she'll put the clothes in the dryer before she goes to bed {Yes, we're in the same house, but I've lost my voice (screaming at the top of my lungs at the Fair friday Night) and yelling isn't an option - neither is getting Hubs to yell for her, he's in NyQuil La-La Land. Of course I COULD get out of bed and talk to her myself...yeah - RIGHT!). She asks me if I want her to start it too. uh, yeah... About 9:15 (15 minutes AFTER Girl Child is SUPPOSED to be in bed) I hear the washing machine going.

Me:"Girl Child, I asked you to put the clothes in the DRYER! Not wash them again"
GC:"But they had soap on them because they hadn't been washed yet"
Me:"Oh, I guess I forgot to start the washer after your brothers got out of the shower. OK, well I'll let you stay up a little later if you'll put them in the dryer and START it after they get done washing."

Well, at least I can say that my children get their absent mindedness honestly...I'll put up Fair pics soon!

Apology To My Husband....

I have to apologize to my husband, its not going to be easy to do...

Backstory:

Girl Child and I were in the car listening to the radio and Carrie Underwood's 'All-American Girl' came on. She asked me if she was an All American Girl, I said yes. Then I explained to her that All-American Girl means that she was born here, raised here and loved everything American.

Yesterday:

We were driving in the car taking an evening ride. The whole family was there; Hubs, Me, Girl Child, Middle Boy Child and Youngest Son.

Girl Child: Lacey's not an All American Girl like I am because she's part Irish or Scottish, or one of those "-ishs"

Me: What do you mean? She was born here in the States, right?

GC: Yes, in the 'Glades

Me: And her parents are US citizens, right?

GC: Yes, but since her people are from overseas she's not All-American

Me: Uh, honey...YOUR ancestors are from overseas...unless they've JUST gotten off the boat most of the people living in the US now are ALL AMERICAN

GC: But you said I was All-American

Me: You are, but so is Lacey!

GC: I don't get it...

Me: Is THIS how you feel when you're talking to me?
Hubs: Yes and now I know where she gets it from! {he got punched in the arm for that comment}

She wasn't getting what I was trying to tell her and I think that made her mad (woo-hoo!). The reason I'm apologizing to my husband? Now I know how he feels when he's trying to tell me something and it takes me a few minutes to 'get it'....like he wants to pull every hair outta his head.

So honey, I'M SORRY!!!

Good Old Fashioned Family Time...

This is my bestie, Lisa...she's screaming because the mud is going thru her toes...she has some of me that I'll share later.

From left to right: Hubs, Ryan, Bryon (Lisa's boytoy), Brad, Katie's Bestie Lacey, Katie and Lisa's oldest John...Wait! Where's Destiny?!?!?!?

Believe it or not, Katie DOES like her pics taken...

There's Miss Destiny!

ALL the rotten spawnage!!! Don't they look sweet? Yeah, RIGHT!!!

Ryan - He LOVES Rock and Roll!!! AND the DAWGS!

These three...they will be the DEATH of Lisa and I!!!!

These next shots are of the boys playing catch at the house...they love football:

From My Mom...

This time 40 (nah, just kidding) 37 years ago, I was a terrified 16 year old about to embark on the journey of a lifetime, and believe me I was terrified. My family called themselves being supportive, but not really. My husband was useless, and I was alone basically about to bring a new life into this world. I know that you don't believe that I love you, but I loved you from the moment I saw you. Even though I had no clue, I knew that you were my heart. I know that I made mistakes, major ones, and that I failed you on more than one occasion (and I don't need you to say, no you didn't, because I know that I did). But I do love you and I've always loved you. And it hurts me to know that our relationship is not what it should be and I know it hurts you too, even if you won't admit. And I know that it's mostly my fault, but I can't change the past, I wish that I could. Just please remember that you are my firstborn and even if I failed to show it at times, no mother has ever loved a child more than I love you. I didn't say this to make you cry, just to let you know that I do love you very much. And I'm sorry for any pain that I caused you and mistakes that I made that changed your life and your opinion of yourself.

Love,

Mom

MY Day

Today is my birthday, yes - I'm OLD! Yesterday, we took our spawn to the park...we also took pictures, I figured it was my prerogative to share...Enjoy

We may not have alot, but this family LOVES each other! What more can a mom ask for?

This one is my FAVORITE of Daddy and Girl Child

The boys, I LOVE the face on Youngest Child...

I HATE GETTING OLD!!!!!!!

UPDATE: My WONDERFUL mother found the website for me!!! They have BEAUTIFUL sterling silver jewelry and its CHEAP!!!! Check it out:
http://sea-island-jewelry.com/index.html



I will be closer to 40 Monday...

I am looking for a jewelry store in Charleston, South Carolina. This place is on Market Street and sells the prettiest silver jewelry and its CHEAP!!! $20 for a sand dollar pendant/necklace. They fix the jewelry for FREE!!! I've had my pendant and chain for YEARS and its broken twice...this time I can't find the freaking address to send it back to get it fixed!

I know, I can hear you rolling your eyes and asking, "Why don't you just drive to Charleston and get it fixed over a weekend?" You'd think it was that easy! But see, there's this witch that lives in Mt. Pleasant that I can't STAND!!! Yes, Charleston is a big city and Mt. Pleasant is just a bridge away...the problem? There is NO state in the union that is big enough for the two of us. The WITCH that I'm talking about is Hubs ex...I really don't like her.

It has NOTHING to do with the fact she called me fat when I was pregnant with our first child ("You know, CSY, you don't look pregnant - just fat"*) {I almost slapped the caked on blue and pink eye shadow from the 80's right off her ugly face}, or the fact that every time their oldest did something wrong she called Hubs...WHAT IN THE HELL is he supposed to do 300 miles away? SHE'S the one who let them get away with murder...but I digress...

ANYHOO!!! I'm searching high and low looking for this jewelry store. ALL over the Internet. It would help if I could find the business card that had their web-site on it. It would also help if I could remember the name of the store...

It sucks getting old!

*It bugged the HELL out of her that I was 3 times skinnier than her when I met Hubs. She was just mad that I could still see my toes!!!

CONGRATULATIONS! It's A Boy!

Thursday, October 4th 2001 - 9AM
Midwife: So, you ready to have this baby?
Me: SERIOUSLY?!?! I mean after all the false labors, am I ready for this thing to come out? YES!!! I'm waddling EVERYWHERE!
Midwife: Then make the phone calls, don't eat anything after midnight and I'll see you in at 6AM, we're gonna get this baby out of you. Your blood pressure is too high.

I make the round of phone calls to my mom who lived in Florida and my husband who was on the road - "We're having a baby tomorrow! Get here as soon as you can if you wanna be there for the birth!"

Friday, October 5th 2001 - I was used to this, this was going to be my third (and LAST) child. I knew what I was doing...I got all the nastiness out of the way. Ladies, you know what I'm talking about. Men, I don't wanna upset your picture of us moms...yes, we ARE superheros!

I had EVERYONE coming to see me! My mom and sister were there, all 3 of my brothers and their wives/girlfriends. My grandmother, Aunt, SCORES of cousins and a few friends. I entertained everyone most of the day...by 7:30pm, I was EXHAUSTED! My midwife came in, assessed me, put me on the labor inducing meds and left to get her dinner...

I'd made a deal with this bundle of joy, if he came BEFORE Law & Order he'd ALWAYS be my favorite! The contractions were coming closer and closer together. The nurse checked me again and decided to break my water...30 minutes later (and almost with NO midwife), Reid Bradford slipped into my arms.

My mom was at my head, hubs near my knees. We were breathing and pushing and grunting with the effort. I looked at my husband and noticed he'd turned a very pretty shade of green...my mom caught his eye and asked if he'd like to trade spots...I've only seen hubs be 'girlie' a couple of times and his older boys were at the heart of the 'girlie moment'...I seriously thought he'd faint. He came to my head and kissed me on the forehead saying, "I'm glad to be up here"

When Reid Bradford popped out the doc asked Hubs if he wanted to cut the cord, he begged off. She turned to my mom and handed her the scissors...this baby was the first one she'd cut the cord...she'd been there when my daughter and older son were born, it was only natural that she be there for this one, all 8lbs. 4.5oz of him.

Son, you're 8 today and looking at you sleeping this morning I couldn't believe where the time had gone. We had a scary moment when you were 18 months old and your right lung almost collapsed. You stayed in the hospital for 3 days, I cried.

You're the baby of this wild and crazy bunch and I hope that you turn out OK...if not, its your DAD'S fault! The other kids get mad when you want your way...that you don't get all the time. You are the child that makes me giggle for no reason. You knock on my bedroom door and when I open it you're standing there with a goofy grin on your face and you say something silly...then you run away giggling like crazy.

I've begged your sister, threatened your brother, now I'm not kidding...you don't need to grow up so freaking fast! You need to slow down and let me enjoy your being a kid! You and your siblings aggravate the holy piss out of me, but I wouldn't have it any other way. Just slow down!!!

I love you, Reid Bradford! Even if you DO look just like your Daddy! You're going to be a heart breaker when you grow up!

P.S. This is in response to Susan's comment: Oh, HELL yes there were drugs!!! THIS time they got me at 5cm, so it was effective and felt nothing when Brad (its what we call him) was born. They also expected me to keep the epidural needle in while I selpt that night...I had my tubes tied the next morning. When the attendants came to get me ready for 'surgery', they had to give me a drug to numb me BEFORE they put the epidural back in. One note: I actually REMEMBER singing "I Will Survive" while the doc was doing the tube tying business...Yes, I am officially crazy!

ONE Of Us Will Be Dead (or Grey) By The Time She's 18

One of us won't make it to her 18th birthday and since I'm WAY past 18, it's gonna be her...maybe.

Everyone who knows my family, knows that my kids are good kids. Girl Child has tested my resolve in that regard, but you know what? We're gonna be fine! I'll have a head full of grey hair by then but it'll be OK, right?

Hubs and I brought her into our room and pulled up what she'd done wrong. I told her that she could have a MySpace page when she was 13 but there were rules. I found her MySpace page the other night...she's 12. We told her we weren't mad, but she'd broken a rule. We asked for, and got, her email address and password for her MySpace page. We looked at her page...I thought we'd find some smutty, older girl stuff...WHEW!!!

NOTHING like that was on her page! HUGE (inner) sigh of relief. We're letting her keep the page up, but we have the password and will know if she gets back on before her restrictions are up.

We explained to her that we weren't really TRYING to ruin her life or embarrass her, but GOOD parents did that. GOOD parents protected their children from the monsters lurking under the bed or on the Internet. We know where she goes, who she goes with, how long she's staying and that a parent will be there at ALL times. We protect her as much as we can from the outside world, but when she's on the Internet she's letting them into our house and the only way Daddy and I can protect her from them is to actually SEE what's she's doing.

I hope we got our point across...she knows I have friends that can and WILL find whatever she's doing on the computer. I've scared her with moving her away from her friends and threatened (promised) her eviction from her room, I'm doing the best I can to raise a strong woman, but she HAS to slow down and enjoy being a kid for a little while longer. I know she'll be grown before I can blink, but for now I get to hold on to my little girl. I Love You, Girl Child...more than you know, but when you have your first child you'll know that love first hand.

My Daughter Is Moving To The Great Outdoors

Ok, so I had a talk with Girl Child this morning....

"I know that you've been falling asleep in the afternoons instead of doing what you're supposed to be doing"

HUGE SIGH and MAJOR eye roll.

"I also know that its 7:30 in the morning and you're not awake yet, but I'm only going to tell you this once...your room WILL be cleaned, to MY specifications, before you go to bed Friday night. You will NOT put everything into a garbage bag and throw it into your brothers closet (for me to find 6 months later and see WHY their room is being taken over by flies...FOOD in the garbage bags!). You WILL get the kitchen cleaned and SWEPT BEFORE 9 tonight. Because if your room ISN'T cleaned before you go to bed Friday night you will NOT be going to the animal shelter for your volunteer hours and you WILL fail that class. You fail, you get stuck in your room. Your Daddy put you on restrictions for the month for your grades. I will put you on restrictions for the rest of the school year and make sure you don't EVER have any fun...EVER! One other thing, if that room isn't cleaned like I want it, you will be sleeping in the yard and one of your brothers will get your room. You can roll your eyes and think I'm being a bitch and that all these rules are bullshit, I don't care. It will be done, or you WILL be sleeping in the yard. Your room is DISGUSTING and I'm NOT putting up with it."

I didn't yell at her, I didn't even have ANY emotion to my voice. I know she doesn't take me seriously, but I'm not giving her empty threats, I AM sick to death of her room. When I win my Mother of the Year award, I'll thank my daughter cuz she's the one responsible for it.

I need a case...I mean glass of wine.

Lil Bit O' Randomness

As I sit here this LOVELY Monday afternoon, I realize...I have NOTHING to write about! I mean, I have things on my mind and I have worries, but nothing to share...

Hubs and I had a 'date night' Saturday, it went...well! HEHEHEHE! We met some new people and gained some new friends, which is ALWAYS fun! Got a little more than drunk, Mommy Not Daddy - he was the DD. You know, I've NEVER had a hangover...the worst I got Sunday was a headache...plus I wanted to sleep...and I needed MORE coffee!!!!

Girl Child is grounded, has been for the last 2 weeks - she has 2 more left. I don't ask for much when it comes to my kids. I know what they are capable of in school...needless to say, Girl Child came home with 3 F's on her progress report 2 weeks ago. My jaw hit the floor! I talked to her, sent some e-mails to the teachers (little hint: kids HATE it when parents are in CONSTANT contact with teachers...do it - just to bug 'em!) and decided to meet with the teachers on Friday...Girl Child brought her grade up from a F to a B in 2 class periods!

Yes, my child is lazy...they ALL are, but they get it honest. I had a talk with her in front of her teachers and expressed my disbelief. I don't care if they bring home B's or C's...the D's and F's - NOT gonna happen! Girl Child has spoiled me, she has thru her entire school career brought home A's - THAT'S what I expect because I know THAT'S what she can do!

I was going to take her door off her bedroom, but the hinges and pin thingy are sealed shut with paint...so she has to keep her door OPEN, unless she's changing her clothes. She has to do her chores in the kitchen, clean her room and study...she is grounded for a month or until she can bring her grades up...

This weekend she talked me into taking her to our local animal shelter to volunteer because its a HUGE part of one of her grades. Because she's under 18 and they have prisoners around picking up trash, bathing the dogs and cleaning out their kennels, I had to stay with her. No big deal, we stayed for a couple of hours and decided we'd come back Sunday...HUGE mistake! Mommy wasn't feeling the dogs much yesterday...had a headache...wanted to sleep...STOP THE BARKING DOGS!!!

Middle Boy Child has something that the scorpions in my state LOVE! I don't know what it is, but he has it. He was stung AGAIN by a scorpion...TWICE!!! He was stung in the face and the arm this past weekend...I'm glad I don't live in Arizona...THOSE scorpions are deadly, ours here in Florida - they're just UGLY and MEAN! (stinging a kid in his sleep, I mean SERIOUSLY!!!)

Youngest Child is being a holy freaking terror, but that's to be expected. He LOVES to play and he LOVES to get loud...unless Mommy has had too much to drink the night before and if she hears ONE MORE kid screaming, we won't have them anymore!!!

I got a little toasted Saturday night. I didn't embarrass myself by throwing up, but I LOVED everyone! Sunday morning on the other hand, the only thing I coveted was sleep, ibuprofen and my coffee. I didn't get a lot of sleep cuz Girl Child needed volunteer hours and wanted to go back to the animal shelter...they have LOUD barking dogs there!!!

I'm crawling back under my rock now...as you were

I Have Some News...

And I want to share, but I'm afraid to jinx it...I'll put up some pictures and maybe if I don't SAY it, it'll still happen.

Hubs says to me the other day, "I wanna go back to _____ in March. Do you think we can?"

Uh, YEAH!!! As long as we have the money, a babysitter to stay with the kids for a week (so they don't miss any school and cuz we're MEAN parents and won't take them with us...yet) and the time away from work won't kill either of our jobs...SO...here's where we wanna go....where I lost my heart. I fell in LOVE with this place when I was a child with BIG dreams, but never visited (until my 10th wedding anniversary) because I totally HATE, LOATHE big cities. I fell in love with one of the BIGGEST cities in the world and I'm a country girl.

Hey Ya'll!!! There's A VIRGIN In The Bloggo'sphere

My best friend has a blog! She's a bloggy virgin, so please go check her out and treat her nicely! I'll know if you did or not!

My love to you all!!!

Here's her URL: http://bloggingbyme1978.blogspot.com/

Now GO!

As I Sit Here

Thinking of inconsequential things, I start to wonder....exactly WHEN did I turn into my mother?!?!?! I looked in the mirror the other day and I saw my mom looking back at me.

Don't get me wrong, I LOVE my mom! She raised 5 children on her own with minimal help. We have a HUGE family...my mom is the oldest of 6 and we ALL multiply like rabbits! I am the oldest grandchild...there are between 25 and 30 of us! The great grands? I have NO earthly idea how many we have, but there's a BUNCH of them! My cousin has had 5 children before she turned 30! Yes, we're a bunch of ho's.

I'm perplexed...I used to be semi-smart....when did I get to be SO stupid?!?!?! I was talking to my mom the other day and I told her that I honestly thought having children sucked the smarts right out of a woman. I mean think about it!

Before I had children, I LOVED reading Shakespeare and talking about his sonnets and plays. I could actually hold an intelligent conversation with a college professor without feeling like I was talking in circles or that the people I was talking with thought I was dumber than dirt. I am a country girl, I was raised on a ranch in SOUTHERN California and Macon, GA. I KNOW that I am smart...but since having my children, I feel like every smart cell has gone.

I have friends with kids and we've had discussions about how kids dumb you down...why is that? I work with educated people, they have children, but at work...we're all a bunch of loonies! I'd LOVE to have a conversation that doesn't revolve around politics (I HATE POLITICS!), religion (I'm a heathen), sex, school or ANYTHING to do with the world of Hollywood and the tabloids.*

*My daughter wants to be an actress one day, so I HAVE to be up-to-date on my tabloid info.

I don't wanna be dumb anymore! Some one, PLEASE tell me that I'll get smart again once the demon spawn, I mean children, are out of my house!

Oy Vay!

UPDATE:

Jason, the ac guy, came out and fixed my ac!!!! YAY!!!! I got to sleep in my OWN bed with the ac running AND (this is HUGE) it doesn't sound like a jet engine anymore...of course when we take the brick off the top of it, it takes off - but its silent. SO silent I thought for a few minutes that it'd gone out again, but no...IT WORKS!!! Yay for HAWT ac guys!!!

So, here we go again!!! I woke up from my mid-afternoon nap yesterday and was walking into the bathroom...wait a minute...there's something missing...

I cocked my head to the side to listen...no, there was NO noise coming from under my bathroom window...that's where the air conditioning unit is...this unit is LOUD!!! I mean jet engine getting ready for take off loud. But I couldn't hear anything...was I going deaf? No, because I could hear my spawn and their spawn friends yelling, screaming and laughing. AND I could hear 'Slow ride' being played for the millionth time on Guitar Hero.

Yep, you guessed it friends and neighbors...my a/c has gone out AGAIN!!! I'm sitting at my desk afraid to go potty or leave for any reason cuz the HAWT A/C guy is supposed to call...I WANT AIR CONDITIONING!!!

Yes, I DO realize there are people who don't have the luxuries I have...they don't live in the freaking SOUTH!!! I've lived in the South most of my life, so I KNOW how hot it can get. I was one of those kids that was sent outside as soon as the sun came up and couldn't come back in until it was suppertime.

My grandma would make a pile of PB&J sandwiches, a jug of Kool-Aid (the red kind...cuz we LOVED it!) and yell for us to "Come git it 'fore the dawgs do!" My grandmother has an accent, but not THAT bad...then we'd all come running from our game of hide and seek, eat lunch, drink the Kool-Aid, then go back to playing 'Thunder Cats'...but I'm too freaking OLD to enjoy the being smothered by a blanket when I walk out the door...I don't wanna SLEEP in it too!!!

So, here I sit waiting for the HAWT A/C guy to call...no, SUSAN, I did NOT break the A/C just to see the HAWT A/C guy again...but thanks for asking!

THIS Is What Happens When I Don't Blog Enough...

Ok, so apparently I've been ignoring my blog...and therefore my readers (all 9 of you - I Love You ALL and thank you for following...) have been neglected. For that I offer my humble apologies and promise to TRY and do better.

There is NO good reason for NOT blogging, I just haven't had much to say. I mean, I've had ALOT to say...just haven't wanted to 'burden' anyone with my ramblings. But that's what this forum is for, yes? I think burden is a bad word to use here and I'm sorry for that. I've been in a funk lately and haven't been able to find the words...any words...

I've gotten my first award!!! YAY!!! Thanks to Susan at STOP CALLING ME THAT! She rocks so hard, y'all! The only BAD thing? I don't know HOW to do the stuff I'm supposed to do...here are the rules:

Rules:
1. Thank the person who gave you this award- THANK YOU Susan, I'm humbled.
2. Copy logo and place it on your blog- Uh, haven't quite figured out HOW exactly to do that...yes, I'm a computer 'TARD
3. Link the person who nominated you- Yeah, can't figure THIS one out either!
4. Name 7 things about yourself that people might find interesting- THIS I CAN do...but I doubt you'll find it interesting
5. Nominate 7 Creative Bloggers- But I can't re-nominate you, can I?
6. Post with links-Can't figure out this one either!!!
7. Let them know they got the prize-But, But....Damn, I'm an Idiot!!!

Ok, so here's 7 things about me you MIGHT find interesting...

1. I'm the oldest of 5 children, I have 3 younger brothers and my sister was born when I was 17 and everyone thought she was mine...

2. I LOVE to write...but I often get writers block so I have a MILLION (ok, maybe 3-4) stories screaming in my head begging to get out (oh, those are just voices? Really?!?! DAMN!)

3. When my daughter becomes the next Megan Fox (Pretty girl, NO acting ability....JUST KIDDING GIRL CHILD) and millions of dollars...I'll be a recluse in the Montana mountians

4. I LOVE to read!!! I read just about anything...yes, even the freaking dictionary when there isn't anything else

5. My kids friends think I'm a cool mom! I guess my kids will EVENTUALLY realize that they could have it worse.

6. I LOVE kids!!! When they're not bratty...so when they can't talk back...I guess I just like newborns...

7. My husband of almost 13 years is the love of my life and even tho I've done some HORRIBLE things in our marriage, he actually likes me enough to stick around...either that or he's just numb to my craziness...

Anyway, that was my mission for today...hopefully I'll be able to find the words I need to express myself the only way I know how...with my tongue planted FIRMLY in my cheek!!!

ATTN: FAMILY

You wanna know how to make your life happier? There's one small thing you can do....

LISTEN TO THE WIFE/MOM!!!!

You all ask me questions, ask me for advice, hell - even ask my opinion of something....WHY ASK IF YOU'RE NOT GOING TO LISTEN?!?!?!?! Your lives would be SO MUCH EASIER if you did!!!

Love Always,

Mom/Wife

Can I Just Say...I LOVE This Man!!!

After 14 years (Sept 25, 1995) of togetherness and 13 years (Oct 25, 1996) of marriage the man in the photo above can STILL freaking curl my toes! All he has to do is touch me or kiss me and I melt! Craig - YOU are the love of my life and I've NEVER had anyone love me the way you do!

Yes, I got laid last night - you REALLY wanna make something of it?

Snips and Snails and Puppy Dog Tails

THAT'S what little boys are made of...




June 29, 1999 9am - I went to my doctor for my weekly appointment. My baby was due the 4th of July and EVERYONE was excited! My doctor was on vacation, so the Mid-Wife checked me out. From the time I left the docs office, I hurt. I got to my grandmothers house (my cousin was watching Katie) I was hurting so bad I got down on my hands and knees in the middle of her kitchen floor and hiked my bottom into the air.




"You know, Crystal, I think you're in labor", said my grandmother (who gave birth to 6 children, but what did she know?)



"You're crazy old woman, I think the Mid-Wife hurt me. Hubby will be home later - I'm gonna go and get everything ready for him", says I who has only had 1 child thus far...





6PM - Hubby is home for a little while, he has a load to deliver in Alabama and will be back in the morning, he was an Over The Road Truck Driver. We have dinner, actually he and Katie have dinner - mommy is laying on the couch in PAIN - but refuses to believe the baby is coming (every time I hurt with Katie I went to the doctor - I wasn't going again until this baby looked at me and says; 'Hey mom! Its time to go! I'm here!!!)


11PM - I waddle into the TV station that I worked at at the time. The guy I relieved asked when I was gonna pop and I bit his head off. I apologized and shooed him away. I called my mom because the drive to the station was AWFUL! I needed her to talk to me and Hubby was away, and I didn't think he would know what to do. She kept me on the phone for an hour and timed me. Every time I'd suck breath in sharply she'd count...my contractions were 5 minutes apart and lasted a minute and a half. She called the guy who just left.


12AM June 30, 1999 - I'm in an assessment room. I'm at 3 cm, but they can't find the contractions. The nurse tells me to walk around for about 5 minutes and they'll try again. I make it to the next assessment room, which thankfully was empty, and proceeded to make a mess all over everything! The nurse scooted me up on the table and checked again - 5 cm in 3 minutes. This baby was coming! They take me up to the Labor and Delivery rooms...8 cm. My mom has been trying to call my coach - my friend at the time who wanted to be there with me when the baby came because hubs would be out of town but couldn't get a hold of her - apparently her parents turned the phone and answering machine off when they went to bed, so she missed the baby being born. Mom calls Hubs and we're on the phone:


"You can't hold that Turkey in just a few more hours?"

"I'll try, but once things get moving - they move. Get here as soon as you can. The doc is here to give me the epidural, mom will call you back in a bit."



They give me an epidural (yes, I had drugs - sue me!) I had 2 contractions while my mom knelt in front of me and helped me remember to breathe. I don't know if I ever thanked her for that...if not, THANK YOU, MOM!!! (When Katie was born, they shooed everyone out of the room while they gave me the epidural) The on-call doctor came in to assess me (remember, my doc was on va-ca) and said I could push.



But first, I had to puke. I puked and my water broke at the same time. I can vaguely remember hearing the respiratory people being called into a room with the same number as mine...



2:59AM - Despite the epidural I FELT EVERYTHING!!! It didn't take because I was too far gone when they gave it to me...lesson learned. ITS A BOY!!!! 8lbs. 4oz. 22in long. They took the baby over to a waiting incubator. Put a clear plastic tube down his throat and pulled out a black tarry looking liquid. The docs didn't want him swallowing it, it would've messed his little life up before he began it. They took the baby to be weighed, measured and cleaned...I'd been thru this before, so I knew. I waited....and waited...and waited...



I called the guy at work to walk him thru the process of putting on a morning show. My boss didn't believe that I'd had a baby, she called the hospital. When they told her that yes, I had had a baby she asked when I could go back to work...I loved that job - HATED that boss!!!



6AM - They FINALLY bring my baby in...Ryan Patterson. He was beautiful, he was healthy and he was mine! The nurse who brought him in told my mom that before he was born there were 4 vaginal births, 3 C-sections, RYAN, then 5 MORE vaginal births and 3 more C-Sections...it was a full moon and everyone who was ready to pop gave birth the same night!


So my darling, Ryan - that is your birth story. You've been my little man for 10 years. You have made the last 10 years a joy and we've both shed some tears, but you've made it! You're 10!!!! You're going into 4th grade in the fall. you're headed to a new school, you'll make wonderful new friends! I love that you look like me - especially now that I've cut all my hair off. I love that you have my blue eyes. I love your sense of humor and the pride you have when you've done something good. You're not my little baby anymore and you've grown so FAST! Please, can't you wait just a few minutes? I don't want my baby to grow up! You're my oldest son and one of my greatest joys. I Love You, Ryan Patterson!

I've Heard Of Being A Tightwad, But Come ON!!!

We moved into a bigger house back in February and EVERYONE loved it! The little boys have a room they can share, Girl Child has a room to herself and Step-Spawn One and Two share a room. Its got 2 bathrooms so no one is in the hallway doing the pee-pee dance waiting for dad to get out...

The problem? There are MANY! The kitchen/dining room are so small that everyone eats in the living room on the floor (EXCEPT mom and dad cause we're USUALLY the only ones who don't make a mess...USUALLY) and there is little to NO cabinet space. We're dealing with it.

Over the last two months the landlord has gotten a 'management' company to handle the 'maintenance' of our house...we live in Florida, the only time it gets cold enough to turn the heat on is MAYBE in January. We get one week of winter, then we're wearin' shorts for the rest of the year.

I am a hot natured person, my husband is a freaking walking bear (he has a hairy chest {yum!}, but not a hairy back {THANK YOU, GOD!}) so HE'S hot natured. When ANY of my kids get over heated (like running around in 50 Million degree weather at school during recess), they tend to throw up.

For the last 2 months I have been BEGGING the management firm AND the owner of my house to fix my air conditioner (THAT is included in the whole house package...you know, heating, air, stove, fridge...). He's sent guys over to 'rig' it. THEN last week he sent a REAL live A/C guy {who BTW is HOT even tho he's blonde and I don't really go for the blonde guys} to come fix my A/C. A/C Guy tells Owner that the unit is 16 yrs old and NEEDS to be fixed.

The TIGHTASSED owner says "I don't wanna spend $2800 to fix the A/C unit"
A/C guy says, "Fine you can get this newer, but slightly used unit that I just took out of a NEW house and use it."
TIGHTASSED Owner then says, "No just fix the compressor, it'll be fine"
A/C Guy comes to put the new compressor in Thursday, by Saturday the fucking A/C is making so damn much noise that the NEIGHBORS came to my house, knocked on my door and asked me to turn the A/C off because it was so loud.

We spent the weekend wrapped in soaking wet towels and cussing the owner of our house. He hasn't seen me pissed of yet, but if he doesn't get the air conditioner fixed and one more of my kids comes crying to me at 3 in the morning because they are hot and puking, I'm NOT responsible for my actions!

A Little Bit Of Randomness

There really hasn't been anything interesting going on in my life lately. But I do have some updates...

Middle Child has passed to Fourth Grade! His report card reads SO much better these days! When he got off the bus last Friday he stopped in the middle of the road (read small lane), raised his hands in the air and screamed, "FOURTH GRADE!!!!" He was SO happy! I got a little tear in my eye. He's just now realizing how smart he is. I've been trying for YEARS to get him to understand that, but his first Kindergarten teacher called him dumb and the stupidest kid she'd ever taught...I know this because I heard her saying it to him before a parent/teacher conference. I ended up holding him back his Kindergarten year because he was so frazzled, he didn't WANT to learn. So, his academic career didn't start off the best. But we're working on it one grade at a time and he's getting his confidence back. {Thanks alot STOOPID first Kindergarten teacher!}

Youngest Boy Child is going into 2nd grade. Him - I have NO worries about! As a matter of fact, he made a little booklet about 1st grade and he said it was easy. The boy is 7 (almost 8) and he's smarter than...my husband (did you actually think I was gonna say me? You must be crazy...or you know me too well)

Girl Child is being a typical 12 yr old girl. She's loving the fact that she can go to her friends house and stay as long as she wants. She's been taking really good care of her brothers the last week or so (yes, the older boys are at the house - but that's just in case MY boys decide to burn it down)

Step-Spawn One and Two...Step-Spawn Two has decided to join the Navy. Thank GAWD! It'll get him outta my house soon!!! Step-Spawn One....yeah, no update on him. Don't get me wrong - I love him to death, but he sits at the house and makes sure the little boys don't burn it down.

Hubby bought a motorcycle last week...I can't WAIT for it to be fixed! The first weekend it is, we're riding to Panama City Beach, Baby!!!! I NEED the beach badly! I feel drained. The beach is my battery charger and if I don't get charged soon, EVERYONE in my house will be VERY sorry!

Next week I'm starting my 4 10 hour work days so I can have some time to spend with my kids while they're out of school for the summer. I know, why would I want to put myself thru the torture of have 3 whole days with them? Honestly? That's the only way I'll be able to HOPEFULLY get some sun on my white assed self! No, I'm NOT sunbathing nude...THAT is one thing NO ONE wants to see!

But I figure at least one day a week the kids can get away from the house and have some fun! I'll take em to the beach, the water park and even a museum or two...maybe, if I don't get too lazy. Either that, or I'll be spending my 3 days a week drinking....

AHHHHHH, Summertime!

Sorry VodkaMom, I Saw His HINEY!!! MY Favorite Part!

This past weekend Hubby and I took Middle Child to the movies.

In March Middle Child came running out of my bedroom all excited and stuff. He could barely breathe he was SO excited.

"Mom! Guess what I just saw and you HAVE to take me"

"What Middle Child, what did you see that has you so excited" This is where I expected him to say he has made us millionaires because he figured out the cure for cancer

"I JUST saw the previews for 'X-Men Origins: Wolverine', you HAVE to take me to see it"

THIS is where 'MommyMode' comes in because I make a deal with him: "You can go see it if from now until the day it comes out you get green when you're in school. I will take you myself to see it - but ONLY if you get all greens from now until May 1st"

May 1st gets here and Middle Child has gotten all greens in his planner - no more acting up in class. His grades have shot up and he's feeling good about himself. We couldn't take him the day it came out, BUT we did take him this past Sunday and he LOVED it!

My favorite part? (I'm sorry VodkaMom, it IS!) When Hugh Jackman is running thru the woods NAKED!!! I would've seen more of his goodies if the camera had been operated by a woman! Hugh Jackman is VERY easy on the eyes, ESPECIALLY naked! But I still have the HAWTS for Jeff Probst.

Oh, and we took photos - my Middle Child and I...I Love Him!!!

It's Official!!!

I have TOTALLY ruined my daughter's life and she's ONLY 12!!! I am SO patting myself on the back for this one!

Tuesday when I picked her up from school she didn't look very happy. I asked her what was wrong and she told me she has detention. There was a substitute teacher in one of her classes on Monday and the sub said as long as the class was quiet, they could pass notes. BEFORE the bell rang the kids were all talking loud and apparently Girl Child had her name put on the 'bad kid' list.

My daughter isn't really a bad kid {quit laughing, Queen! She's a good kid...usually}, she just likes to talk to her friends. She asked me if I could let her skip detention. I told her I wanted to talk to her teacher to find out the OTHER side of the story. Apparently that is NOT what the cool parents do - they just let their kid skip detention.

The teacher and I exchanged voice mails and e-mails and Girl Child has detention...on Monday. She totally hates me and hasn't talked to me in two days! I have NEVER had so much peace! Now, if she'd stop talking to her brothers, we'd have blessed silence in the house...PLEASE STOP TALKING TO YOUR BROTHERS, GIRL CHILD!!!!

Teaching My Kids The Art Of Sarcasm

fa-ce-tious: adjective - not meant to be taken seriously or literally; amusing; humorous

As many of you know, I am a VERY sarcastic person and I'm trying to teach my children the art of sarcasm. Case in point:

"No, child - the sky is purple"

Child: "Mommy, are you being Bocephus again?"

I laughed so hard I almost peed my pants.

I'd Like My Mother of the Year Award Now...

I must be SOME kind of mother...2 of 3 my children are grounded - kinda.

Girl Child is grounded from going anywhere for the whole month and she has to clean the kitchen for the month. Last week was her week to do the kitchen (the 3 older ones take turns cleaning the kitchen every week). I started smelling something on Wednesday, but couldn't find it. Figured it was something in the pipes, tossed down some drain-o and didn't think anything else about it...until Thursday. I smelled it again, thought it was the nasty trash and yelled for someone to take the stinky ass garbage out or EVERYONE was sleeping outside (yes, everyone...but me!) Friday, Girl Child went to my mom's for the weekend, apparently my 3 yr old niece was missing 'her Girl Child' and so my mom guilted me into guilting Girl Child to go. (I'm KIDDING Mom...you didn't guilt){she SO did, but since she might read this - had to make her feel better}
By Friday afternoon the smell was SO bad I couldn't stand it anymore and went sniffing. EUREKA! I found the...oh MY GAWD!!!! I know she didn't do this!!! I called my mom's house...no answer. I called her cell...no answer, but I DID leave a message (When you get this have my child call me! She is in SO much FUCKING trouble, I might have to come get her!) I NEVER cuss in front of or in the vicinity of my mom, my kids? That's a different story.
I get a call a couple of hours later...it was my mom.

"Where's Girl Child?", says I
"In the movie, what's up", says my mom
"I found her dirty little secret, she needs to call me when you get done. I'm half tempted to come to get her tomorrow"
"Why, what's she done? Plus, I have plans tomorrow to go into Valdosta" {see? THAT'S the guilt thing I WASN'T talking about earlier}
" FINE. She's grounded from going ANYWHERE for the month of May"

A couple of hours later my phone rings again...
"Hello?"
"Hi Mommy"
"You're grounded from going anywhere when you get back"
"I know. I called to tell you I was sorry. I forgot that the pan was on the floor. I know I'm grounded and can't go anywhere and I have to do the kitchen for the WHOLE month of May and I'll do it and won't complain"
"Good. I love you."
"I love you too, woman who has ruined my social life" {OK, MAYBE she didn't say that last part, but it's my blog and I can LIE if I want to}

So as you know, I was sick last week. I walked into the kitchen Friday afternoon to put the boys dinner in the oven and could not stand the smell anymore and went sniffing...oh, sorry - already said that...
I smelled by the back door and lo and behold I found the culprit...Girl Child likes eggs. She made eggs for afternoon snack one day. She filled the egg pan with water to 'soak'. The table was full of other dishes 'soaking', so she couldn't put it there. The counter was full of clean dishes, so she couldn't put it there. She put it on the floor between the hutch and the back door...and forgot it was there. She dried the dishes with a towel and threw it on the floor between the hutch and the back door...over the egg pan...for about 3-4 days...in the Florida heat.
Yeah, I want my award dammit! Oh, but wait - there's more!
Youngest Boy Child (not to be confused with Middle Child. YBC is the youngest of 4 boys) and his friend (the girl in the I Heart My Fam post...her son) decide to write dirty words in the friend's journal. It was Youngest Boy Child's idea...
GREAT!!! So, YBC and friend are now banned from having ANY fun this week. No TV, no bike, no XBox - NADA!!!!
When you call my name for Mother of the Year, can you have Jeff Probst give me my award...and maybe a HAWT kiss too? What?!