Friday, January 29, 2010

Mother of the Year, Here I Come!!!

I asked Hubs if I could blog about what happened at our house last night, he said yes as long as I clarify something. Hubs and I BOTH watch porn, its interesting to me. I enjoy when Hubs comes up with different ways for us to have sex, our sex life is AWESOME!!!! We've been together for almost 15 years, so I think that its cool that we still actually like each other enough to enjoy ourselves....

Girl Child gets my cell phone in the evenings to chat with her friends and such. She needed to ask me something last night and knocked on my door. I was playing Free Cell on the computer and didn't think anything about her just coming in, so I said, "Come in!" When she opened the door, she screamed and said, "Turn the computer around!!!"

When I looked at the screen I was M-O-R-T-I-F-I-E-D to find that the PORN was still on the screen!!! Daddy was in the bathroom and said, "You see where I am, don't ya Girl Child. that stuff on the computer is your MOM'S" That was SO not true! She asked me why i was watching something so gross and that she couldn't BELIEVE I'd do something like that! But it was DADDY that was watching it! How did I get blamed for it?!?!?!
THEN Middle Child screamed from the kids bathroom, comes running into my room and says, "You HAVE to come kill this for me"
I walk into the bathroom and THIS is what I have to kill:

Its a FUCKING spider!!! A SPIDER!!!! I HATE SPIDERS!!! Girl Child says, without missing a beat,
"THIS is your punishment for scaring me for the rest of my life! I CAN NOT B-E-L-I-E-V-E my mom watches porn, THEN blames it on my dad!!!"

So ladies and gentlemen, the moral of this story: If your spouse watches porn and you wanna play Free Cell and NOT scar your children for life...minimize the porn.

Wednesday, January 27, 2010


No, not ya'll....THOSE people!

I was in Wally World the other day shopping with my family. My four children {yes, this INCLUDES my husband} were doing stupid, crazy things behind me and I was just walking along putting the dinners we were having this week in my buggy, without a care in the world. I occasionally told them to keep it down, but I let them have their fun...

My daughter comes up behind me and grabs my ass…I squeal like a chipmunk and we all start laughing because Girl Child’s face was one of wonder and confusion. Yes, she grabbed my ass – what she wasn’t expecting was the SQUEEE! that escaped my throat. It took her and the shoppers around us by surprise and we got some dirty looks.

The little FSU whore walking around with her short, shorts (ok, so I’m making a judgment call…they were showing the curve of her ASS!!!) and hoochie shirt rolled her eyes and sighed REALLY loud! Youngest asked what her problem was (yes, he TRIED to whisper, but didn’t get it quite low enough and she heard him – but he’s 8) and I looked right at her face with her make up caked on and said, “She just doesn’t know how to have fun” and promptly walked away.

What is it with you people? Can’t you see that we’re not actually out to ruin your shopping experience, just make ours more fun?! My family tends to do things to try to embarrass each other…in public…mostly in Wally World.

Daddy walks around making all kinds of noises, acting like he’s got some kind of disorder and if Girl Child is flipping out because he’s embarrassing her – we high five each other.

Middle Child walks behind me asking all sorts of questions and to make it entertaining to ME, I tell him something off the wall…
”Mom, why’s bread white?”
“Because the Matrix says so, honey”
“Will Neo save us soon, Mommy?” he asks without missing a beat…

Youngest Child is the one who has us ALL in stitches. He runs up and down the isle SINGING…either the Dora the explorer song (to which we ALL join in) or something he’s heard off the radio, giggling when he gets looks from ‘normal’ people.

My family is loud, my family is crazy, but my family is MINE! We’re not out wreaking too much havoc, we’re not starting riots, we’re not abusing our children…we’re trying to teach them that you can be as silly as you wanna be, as long as you’re YOU! Don’t worry what other people think of you, your mom and dad think you’re the BEST kid EVER and it doesn’t hurt that you’re my kids.

My husband on the other hand, can I trade him in? KIDDING!!! He makes me laugh and sometimes when I’m at work and he’s at his job he’ll text me something and I can’t help but laugh. My family may drive me crazy and we may look like the Beverly Hillbillies, without the Beverly Hills, but we do love each other…usually. Ask me tomorrow and my story may be different…AHHH, the joys of being a mom/wife!

Friday, January 8, 2010

Open Letter To The South...

Dear Fellow Southerners,

Whatever you did to piss Mother Nature off, please apologize! I live in Florida...its supposed to be the Sunshine is now the Frostbitten State. It was 16 degrees here Tuesday, wanna know the temp in Maine on the same day? 29!!! It was freaking COLDER here in FLORIDA than MAINE!!! Bangor, Maine (Hello, Stephen King!!! I Love your books! Except IT - did you know Clowns are EVIL?!?!? Just Sayin'...) was warmer than Tallahassee, FLORIDA!!!

Thank You,
Freezin My Ass Off