I LOVE SURVIVOR!!!

I have had the hots for Jeff Probst since I first saw him on Rock'n'Roll Jeopardy. I have wanted to be on Survivor since it frist came out. I've watched this 'Lord of the Flies' show since its beginning. I have been disappointed in more than one season, but have been a loyal fan.

I laughed my ASS off when Sue told Kellie that "the snake should eat the rat" and Rich Hatch won the fist million dollars. I watched Dreamz royally screw YaoMan with the truck. I cried my eyes out when Boston Rob asked Amber to marry him and she said YES!!! I watched that TRAMP Julie lure Jeff away with her I 'heart' Jeff 'tattoo' that she made with the war paint in Vanautu (yes, my spelling SUX - deal with it!), but I let that go because eventually Jeff would notice that I have the hots for him and would come crawling back to me...I fell head over heels for a rough pirate named Rupert, lost all sense of reason when a chisled James made me want to get into gravedigging, shouted at the TV when Parvarti broke James' heart (no big, James - I got your back) because she's a Georgia girl like me, rooted for JT to win and hoped he was ok when his tooth got knocked out (little dude kept playing!!!) and (I HATE to admit this) actually ended up liking a little troll named Russell.

I started reading the blog Jeff writes after the episode airs and I'm more than a little disturbed at the trend I've noticed. It would be WONDERFUL if Jeff read this post and emailed me and said, "No, Crystal your view of what's been going on with your favorite reality series is all in your head." Alas, I have to just face the facts...real people aren't the Survisors anymore.

I don't know WHEN it happened, but I'm thinking it was sometime either after Stephenie's whole tribe was decimated or even as recently as Survivor 16...but the cast started looking too pretty. THEN I started reading the comments from Jeff's blog and I was STUNNED...the people chosen to play Survivor are ACTORS, ACTRESSES or even people the PRODUCERS know!!! Color me stupid! But I STILL love Survivor!

I HAVE NO WORDS

Well, I took Ryan BACK to the child psychologist in August. He has FINALLY been clinically diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome, Social Phobia, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, OCD, Depression and ADHD. The ADHD we KNEW about. The Asperger's and the rest - I had a FEELING about and am now vindicated in FINALLY having everyone understand.


YESTERDAY, I get a phone call from the counselor at his school. He'd written some disturbing things in his journal and it freaked his teacher out. Understandably, since what he wrote was that he was useless, fat, slow, short, and friendless and that he thought everyone would be better off if he was either dead or never born. Me heart sank. Of course I was going home from work because I WANTED to be there to talk to him when he got off the bus.

He was upset. I TRY not to cry or get frustrated when I talk to him about things like this, but its hard because he's my CHILD and I HAVE to protect him. He said he was sorry that he'd written it but he meant it at the time because that's how he felt right at that moment. He didn't MEAN that he'd come home and hurt himself and he didn't understand why everyone got so freaked out because he just said that because he was sad.

Let me explain something about Ryan. He thinks he has to make the BEST grades and be the BEST at everything. He gets upset when he makes a bad grade or can't understand something that HE THINKS should be easy to him and tends to have what we call 'meltdowns'. What started yesterday's spiral was the fact that he'd gotten a 60 on a Math quiz. He didn't understand percentages but he answered to the best of his ability and he still got the 60. I've ALWAYS told my children that it doesn't matter to me if they make C's - as long as they are giving it their best shot. (I've also told my high schooler that she will NEVER use Algebra in her adult life, but I still expected her to pass the class)

From the time Ry was in Kindergarten he's tried his best. His first Kindergarten teacher called him STUPID and he'd never amount to anything. I know this because I HEARD IT! Needless to say, I moved him OUT of that school. He's had a hard time in school until his 5th grade year, when he was given an ADHD medication. Now he's making A's and B's - MOST of the time.

But there are days, like yesterday, that are just HARD for him. I'm his biggest champion and his best advocate, but sometimes its HARD...VERY hard. I'm doing my best and trying to get him the help he needs. Sorry for rambling, I apparently found the words after all.

LOOSING MY MIND ONE BIT AT A TIME...

FINALLY! Someone who knows what I'm going thru trying to get Ryan some help! The school called me and toldme that since Ryan does NOT have a 504 form, he'll have to take his FCAT with other students and if he has an outburst, his and everyone else's test will be voided. GREAT!!! MORE stress for Ryan!

So, I was talking to one of my supervisors and she told me about an Asperger's support group right here in Tally...I got on-line and looked up the web-site and emailed the only address on there. That lady thought I was trying to Punk her because she hadn't been associated with the group for a while. But she's emailing me info tonight! YAY!!!

I am waiting for the teacher's assesment paperwork to send back to the child psychologist...hopefully we'll have a PROPER diagnosis in a few days...Yes, he was diagnosed in 2010 and his symptoms seem to be getting worse but apparently that diagnoses wasn't PROPER...WTH?!?!?! I think I'm going to loose my damned mind!

A Mother's Worry

I have an appointment Monday to get Ryan re-evaluated by a child psychologist. There is an Autism place here in Tally (Tallahassee) that can help me get Ryan what he needs, but according to the in-take person he DOESN'T have Asperger's...I am at the point where I want to pull ALL my hair out, which would NOT make me look any younger, but I know that in order to get my point across that Ry DOES have Asperger's and he DOES need help I have to be the squeeky wheel...I HATE being the squeeky wheel!

I want to get Ry into a program that doesn't cost a bagillion dollars - cuz this working mom doesn't HAVE it! Yes, I have insurance thru the State agency that I work for, but having to come up with the co-pays is TOUGH! The Autism place has counseling and group meetings that I think would help, not just Ry - but US as a family. Keep your fingers crossed that I can FINALLY get the answers and help that I need for my son....WITHOUT major blood shed or me ending up on the 9th floor of the hospital here in town...

SHAKING OFF THE DUST

Hello World!!!! I'm back! Things have been a little off for me over the last...year...

Personally - things are good. My job is OK. My marriage is good. My kids are holy fricken terrors, but that's normal...for us anyway. I haven't had a lot to say, so I've been quiet. I've had a LOT on my mind - but haven't been able to find the words...or at least not repetitive words.

I don't want to go on and on about Ryan and our struggles, but things have gotten so much worse! He's in 6th grade this year and he's changing classes for the first time. He started school in August and at the open house when I got his schedule I almost fainted...they put my son in an ADVANCED Math class!!! WTF?!?!?!?!

I was a little worried about this, but I talked to his teacher and she said that they'd be going at a slow pace and he could stop her at anytime...the first week of school, he came home and had 4 HOURS of homework...ALL in Math! He said he could do it, so I let him try.

The first semester was GREAT!!! He made the A/B Honor Roll! The second week of the 2nd semester, he told me he just couldn't do it any more. Advanced Math was TOO hard! As you know, he was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome about a year and a half ago. He was also diagnosed with ADHD (but the INattentive part), so the doc put him on some meds. This helped him in his 5th grade year PASS the FCAT (which i TOTALLY HATE, BTW), but in doing that it also showed the district that he's smart, so they put him in the Advanced Math class and his head almost exploded!

The thing Ry's teachers know about him is that he wants EVERYTHING to be perfect, what Ry doesn't understand is that NOTHING is perfect! Its OK to make mistakes - you LEARN from them. But with the way his brain is wired, his thinking is different. He thinks he HAS to be perfect or he won't be loved or liked. His teachers LOVE him! He is SO smart and SO sweet and he tries SO hard.

Last week, I got 4 phone calls in 4 days...his guidance counselor and his teacher. Apparently he's been having 'episodes' where he'll get something wrong and he'll knock himself upside the head or (and THIS was a doozy) he'll hit himself upside the head with a dictionary...REALLY?!?!?! You couldn't find a SPOT CAN RUN book?!

I'm at my wits end! I don't know what to do! I've tried showing him things he can do to calm himself (his guidance counselor helped), but it doesn't seem to work! I mean, it will for that one instance, but long term? I've tried explaining to Ry that when he hits himself or gets upset about something, he's scaring the people around him and causing the teacher to not be able to teach the OTHER students...

I don't want 'specialized treatment' for him, I want HIM to GET it! There is a down side to all of this...he doesn't remember having the episodes a day or two later...or he'll remember he got upset, but doesn't remember why or what he did! I have a re-evaluation appointment set up for him with the Psychologist on March 26th...