I HAVE NO WORDS

Well, I took Ryan BACK to the child psychologist in August. He has FINALLY been clinically diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome, Social Phobia, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, OCD, Depression and ADHD. The ADHD we KNEW about. The Asperger's and the rest - I had a FEELING about and am now vindicated in FINALLY having everyone understand.


YESTERDAY, I get a phone call from the counselor at his school. He'd written some disturbing things in his journal and it freaked his teacher out. Understandably, since what he wrote was that he was useless, fat, slow, short, and friendless and that he thought everyone would be better off if he was either dead or never born. Me heart sank. Of course I was going home from work because I WANTED to be there to talk to him when he got off the bus.

He was upset. I TRY not to cry or get frustrated when I talk to him about things like this, but its hard because he's my CHILD and I HAVE to protect him. He said he was sorry that he'd written it but he meant it at the time because that's how he felt right at that moment. He didn't MEAN that he'd come home and hurt himself and he didn't understand why everyone got so freaked out because he just said that because he was sad.

Let me explain something about Ryan. He thinks he has to make the BEST grades and be the BEST at everything. He gets upset when he makes a bad grade or can't understand something that HE THINKS should be easy to him and tends to have what we call 'meltdowns'. What started yesterday's spiral was the fact that he'd gotten a 60 on a Math quiz. He didn't understand percentages but he answered to the best of his ability and he still got the 60. I've ALWAYS told my children that it doesn't matter to me if they make C's - as long as they are giving it their best shot. (I've also told my high schooler that she will NEVER use Algebra in her adult life, but I still expected her to pass the class)

From the time Ry was in Kindergarten he's tried his best. His first Kindergarten teacher called him STUPID and he'd never amount to anything. I know this because I HEARD IT! Needless to say, I moved him OUT of that school. He's had a hard time in school until his 5th grade year, when he was given an ADHD medication. Now he's making A's and B's - MOST of the time.

But there are days, like yesterday, that are just HARD for him. I'm his biggest champion and his best advocate, but sometimes its HARD...VERY hard. I'm doing my best and trying to get him the help he needs. Sorry for rambling, I apparently found the words after all.