It Really Isn't My Fault

JOURNAL ENTRY - Saturday August 14, 2010 9:09pm

My dumb ass self has caused me anxiety. I took Ryan to his doctor visit Wednesday. He gave me a prescription for some ADD meds for Ryan. I was supposed to give him his meds first thing this morning, I ended up getting busy with getting his blood work done and work...excuses, excuses. I gave him his medicine at 12:30 this afternoon. The doc told me it COULD cause insomnia (Ryan is my HARD sleeper - when its bedtime, he goes to bed and is RIGHT to sleep). I asked the pharmacist if it was too late to give it to him. He said if I wanted to give Ryan the meds at 7AM Monday, it was ok to give the meds to him at 12:30 today, but I had to give it to him tomorrow (8/15/10) at 10 AM.

So, I gave Ryan this new medication that's for ADHD. I've NEVER known that Ryan HAD ADHD. Yes, he was different. His temper is WAY quicker than mine. His fuse is an eyelash length. It can get VERY scary. All the symptoms of Asperger's Syndrome explain my son. I didn't have a word for what's 'wrong' with him. His difference. I've always been the one who talks Ryan down from what/whoever has aggravated him. He doesn't want to disappoint me. But, I'm afraid I've been a HUGE disappointment to him.

Rationally, I know that NONE of this is my fault. But I'm his mother, I should've gotten him help sooner. I'm torn. I have to be the strong one. The one who makes the hurts feel better with a kiss and a band-aid. I'm the one who makes the monsters under the bed and in the nightmares go away. I'm the one they cry for when they're sick and I couldn't get my son the help he needed. See? The mother part of me is strong. I LOVE being a mother. As much as I bitch and moan, I really wouldn't have it any other way. If I could cut the fights between Katy and Brad - I'd be SuperMom!

I'm super paranoid about giving Ryan medication. I have VERY strong feelings about medication. But, I TRUST my doctor and his advice, even if it is later than recommended. But follow the advice, I did. I filled the prescription and gave him a pill...and proceeded to keep an eye on him for the rest of the afternoon. The afternoon passed and things were cool. Craig and I napped for a short while. When Craig got up he was hungry so he grilled a hamburger for himself...and the rest of the bunch. We went grocery shopping and then when we got home, outside.

Ryan and Brad came out to play ball with the bats Craig got them. I came inside and was watching TV. At about 7-7:30, I hear Ryan in the living room freaking out and CRYING! He's playing baseball on the Wii and flipping out because he can't hit a home run. He's standing in the middle of the living room sweaty (from playing and hitting the ball HARD & FAR outside), eyes wide, pupils dilated, dancing on the balls of his feet, twitching his fingers of his left hand and trying to hit home runs with his right, face flushed.

I go over to him and try to calm him down. In the process of this he hits me and starts SCREAMING that he's sorry. I can see the pulse in his neck shoot into triple time and it freaking SCARES the holy hell out of me! I yank the controller off his hand and walk him back into his room. The whole 10-15 steps he's screaming he's sorry. I yell at him to 'sit down and calm the hell down before you give yourself a heart attack! You're scaring the hell out of everyone and ESPECIALLY me!" Manipulative? Yes! The ONLY thing Ryan understands during his 'episodes' is that its bothering me or scaring me and he calms down. I use what I can to make sure Ryan doesn't hurt himself or anyone else. Is it wrong? Who is to say? My parenting skills are NOT perfect, but I'm doing the best I can.

What prompted me to start this was to document what's happening to Ryan and if his medication is helping him, was my watching him and keeping an eye on him and what the doc said about the side effects. He came outside after he and Brad had finished what they were doing (Spider man scrapbook dad bought home) and he started telling me in DETAIL what his thoughts were and EVERYTHING he and Brad had said.

While he was talking to me, he was chewing his tongue (when I said something to him it was because one of his teeth is loose), his eyes darted back and forth, his fingers kept twitching and his hands just NEVER stayed still! I can't even begin to imagine what he's feeling. The only thing he's EVER been this excited about are the Transformers, now its EVERYTHING.

I sound ungrateful. He's healthy and he LOVES me. But, you have to understand, Ryan doesn't interact with people. He'd rather stay in his room and do his own thing than play with ANYONE. He's been out of his room doing things with people and talking 90 miles to nothing. I'm hoping his meds and the therapy, I'll be able to help him...

This is something I wrote down Saturday because of the twitching. I want to keep a record of EVERYTHING that happens while Ryan is going thru this transition period. I'm hoping that we won't have to try 50 million medications to find the one that'll help him. I got a hold of a child psychologist yesterday and I have an appointment with her this afternoon (she meets with the parents before the child to get a 'feel' of the kid). I'm doing what I can to make sure Ryan gets the help he needs to function like a normal human being.

I have some VERY good bloggy friends. Susan, Country Mouse and VodkaMom...ya'll are SO awesome! Your kind words and emails have helped this mother go from "What the hell did I do?" to "I KNOW its not his fault and I'm HELPING him now". Thank you seems like such a small word for the uplifting you've given me, but it's the only word that I have. THANK YOU!