Snips and Snails and Puppy Dog Tails

THAT'S what little boys are made of...




June 29, 1999 9am - I went to my doctor for my weekly appointment. My baby was due the 4th of July and EVERYONE was excited! My doctor was on vacation, so the Mid-Wife checked me out. From the time I left the docs office, I hurt. I got to my grandmothers house (my cousin was watching Katie) I was hurting so bad I got down on my hands and knees in the middle of her kitchen floor and hiked my bottom into the air.




"You know, Crystal, I think you're in labor", said my grandmother (who gave birth to 6 children, but what did she know?)



"You're crazy old woman, I think the Mid-Wife hurt me. Hubby will be home later - I'm gonna go and get everything ready for him", says I who has only had 1 child thus far...





6PM - Hubby is home for a little while, he has a load to deliver in Alabama and will be back in the morning, he was an Over The Road Truck Driver. We have dinner, actually he and Katie have dinner - mommy is laying on the couch in PAIN - but refuses to believe the baby is coming (every time I hurt with Katie I went to the doctor - I wasn't going again until this baby looked at me and says; 'Hey mom! Its time to go! I'm here!!!)


11PM - I waddle into the TV station that I worked at at the time. The guy I relieved asked when I was gonna pop and I bit his head off. I apologized and shooed him away. I called my mom because the drive to the station was AWFUL! I needed her to talk to me and Hubby was away, and I didn't think he would know what to do. She kept me on the phone for an hour and timed me. Every time I'd suck breath in sharply she'd count...my contractions were 5 minutes apart and lasted a minute and a half. She called the guy who just left.


12AM June 30, 1999 - I'm in an assessment room. I'm at 3 cm, but they can't find the contractions. The nurse tells me to walk around for about 5 minutes and they'll try again. I make it to the next assessment room, which thankfully was empty, and proceeded to make a mess all over everything! The nurse scooted me up on the table and checked again - 5 cm in 3 minutes. This baby was coming! They take me up to the Labor and Delivery rooms...8 cm. My mom has been trying to call my coach - my friend at the time who wanted to be there with me when the baby came because hubs would be out of town but couldn't get a hold of her - apparently her parents turned the phone and answering machine off when they went to bed, so she missed the baby being born. Mom calls Hubs and we're on the phone:


"You can't hold that Turkey in just a few more hours?"

"I'll try, but once things get moving - they move. Get here as soon as you can. The doc is here to give me the epidural, mom will call you back in a bit."



They give me an epidural (yes, I had drugs - sue me!) I had 2 contractions while my mom knelt in front of me and helped me remember to breathe. I don't know if I ever thanked her for that...if not, THANK YOU, MOM!!! (When Katie was born, they shooed everyone out of the room while they gave me the epidural) The on-call doctor came in to assess me (remember, my doc was on va-ca) and said I could push.



But first, I had to puke. I puked and my water broke at the same time. I can vaguely remember hearing the respiratory people being called into a room with the same number as mine...



2:59AM - Despite the epidural I FELT EVERYTHING!!! It didn't take because I was too far gone when they gave it to me...lesson learned. ITS A BOY!!!! 8lbs. 4oz. 22in long. They took the baby over to a waiting incubator. Put a clear plastic tube down his throat and pulled out a black tarry looking liquid. The docs didn't want him swallowing it, it would've messed his little life up before he began it. They took the baby to be weighed, measured and cleaned...I'd been thru this before, so I knew. I waited....and waited...and waited...



I called the guy at work to walk him thru the process of putting on a morning show. My boss didn't believe that I'd had a baby, she called the hospital. When they told her that yes, I had had a baby she asked when I could go back to work...I loved that job - HATED that boss!!!



6AM - They FINALLY bring my baby in...Ryan Patterson. He was beautiful, he was healthy and he was mine! The nurse who brought him in told my mom that before he was born there were 4 vaginal births, 3 C-sections, RYAN, then 5 MORE vaginal births and 3 more C-Sections...it was a full moon and everyone who was ready to pop gave birth the same night!


So my darling, Ryan - that is your birth story. You've been my little man for 10 years. You have made the last 10 years a joy and we've both shed some tears, but you've made it! You're 10!!!! You're going into 4th grade in the fall. you're headed to a new school, you'll make wonderful new friends! I love that you look like me - especially now that I've cut all my hair off. I love that you have my blue eyes. I love your sense of humor and the pride you have when you've done something good. You're not my little baby anymore and you've grown so FAST! Please, can't you wait just a few minutes? I don't want my baby to grow up! You're my oldest son and one of my greatest joys. I Love You, Ryan Patterson!

I've Heard Of Being A Tightwad, But Come ON!!!

We moved into a bigger house back in February and EVERYONE loved it! The little boys have a room they can share, Girl Child has a room to herself and Step-Spawn One and Two share a room. Its got 2 bathrooms so no one is in the hallway doing the pee-pee dance waiting for dad to get out...

The problem? There are MANY! The kitchen/dining room are so small that everyone eats in the living room on the floor (EXCEPT mom and dad cause we're USUALLY the only ones who don't make a mess...USUALLY) and there is little to NO cabinet space. We're dealing with it.

Over the last two months the landlord has gotten a 'management' company to handle the 'maintenance' of our house...we live in Florida, the only time it gets cold enough to turn the heat on is MAYBE in January. We get one week of winter, then we're wearin' shorts for the rest of the year.

I am a hot natured person, my husband is a freaking walking bear (he has a hairy chest {yum!}, but not a hairy back {THANK YOU, GOD!}) so HE'S hot natured. When ANY of my kids get over heated (like running around in 50 Million degree weather at school during recess), they tend to throw up.

For the last 2 months I have been BEGGING the management firm AND the owner of my house to fix my air conditioner (THAT is included in the whole house package...you know, heating, air, stove, fridge...). He's sent guys over to 'rig' it. THEN last week he sent a REAL live A/C guy {who BTW is HOT even tho he's blonde and I don't really go for the blonde guys} to come fix my A/C. A/C Guy tells Owner that the unit is 16 yrs old and NEEDS to be fixed.

The TIGHTASSED owner says "I don't wanna spend $2800 to fix the A/C unit"
A/C guy says, "Fine you can get this newer, but slightly used unit that I just took out of a NEW house and use it."
TIGHTASSED Owner then says, "No just fix the compressor, it'll be fine"
A/C Guy comes to put the new compressor in Thursday, by Saturday the fucking A/C is making so damn much noise that the NEIGHBORS came to my house, knocked on my door and asked me to turn the A/C off because it was so loud.

We spent the weekend wrapped in soaking wet towels and cussing the owner of our house. He hasn't seen me pissed of yet, but if he doesn't get the air conditioner fixed and one more of my kids comes crying to me at 3 in the morning because they are hot and puking, I'm NOT responsible for my actions!

A Little Bit Of Randomness

There really hasn't been anything interesting going on in my life lately. But I do have some updates...

Middle Child has passed to Fourth Grade! His report card reads SO much better these days! When he got off the bus last Friday he stopped in the middle of the road (read small lane), raised his hands in the air and screamed, "FOURTH GRADE!!!!" He was SO happy! I got a little tear in my eye. He's just now realizing how smart he is. I've been trying for YEARS to get him to understand that, but his first Kindergarten teacher called him dumb and the stupidest kid she'd ever taught...I know this because I heard her saying it to him before a parent/teacher conference. I ended up holding him back his Kindergarten year because he was so frazzled, he didn't WANT to learn. So, his academic career didn't start off the best. But we're working on it one grade at a time and he's getting his confidence back. {Thanks alot STOOPID first Kindergarten teacher!}

Youngest Boy Child is going into 2nd grade. Him - I have NO worries about! As a matter of fact, he made a little booklet about 1st grade and he said it was easy. The boy is 7 (almost 8) and he's smarter than...my husband (did you actually think I was gonna say me? You must be crazy...or you know me too well)

Girl Child is being a typical 12 yr old girl. She's loving the fact that she can go to her friends house and stay as long as she wants. She's been taking really good care of her brothers the last week or so (yes, the older boys are at the house - but that's just in case MY boys decide to burn it down)

Step-Spawn One and Two...Step-Spawn Two has decided to join the Navy. Thank GAWD! It'll get him outta my house soon!!! Step-Spawn One....yeah, no update on him. Don't get me wrong - I love him to death, but he sits at the house and makes sure the little boys don't burn it down.

Hubby bought a motorcycle last week...I can't WAIT for it to be fixed! The first weekend it is, we're riding to Panama City Beach, Baby!!!! I NEED the beach badly! I feel drained. The beach is my battery charger and if I don't get charged soon, EVERYONE in my house will be VERY sorry!

Next week I'm starting my 4 10 hour work days so I can have some time to spend with my kids while they're out of school for the summer. I know, why would I want to put myself thru the torture of have 3 whole days with them? Honestly? That's the only way I'll be able to HOPEFULLY get some sun on my white assed self! No, I'm NOT sunbathing nude...THAT is one thing NO ONE wants to see!

But I figure at least one day a week the kids can get away from the house and have some fun! I'll take em to the beach, the water park and even a museum or two...maybe, if I don't get too lazy. Either that, or I'll be spending my 3 days a week drinking....

AHHHHHH, Summertime!